Excerpt: Night of the Has-Been

Have you ever thought about killing yourself? Don’t worry, this isn’t going to be one of those stories, I’m just curious. In this day and age, with all the stresses and anxieties, how many people have taken a few moments and thought about ending it all? Go on, just think about it: have you ever thought of kicking the bucket? Go on, have a few moments to think. Nietzsche found it consoling and way of getting through a bad night. Make you think what his philosophy would’ve been like if he’d used Nytol. If you want a little hint of what it could be like, Bertram Russell reckoned drunkenness was temporary suicide and someone, I forget who, reckoned it was the ultimate comfort zone. Well, we all need a bit of luxury sometimes: suicide as an extra soft loo roll.
Suicide also makes the news today, oh boy, in the way that a natural death doesn’t. That just has the summer of a door mouse around the obituaries. Suicide brings its own articles with an in built measure of hand-wringing. “Why did he do it?”, “We had no idea”, “Such a waste” and so on. I suppose it’s some measure of fame. The ultimate would be a suicide that achieves a Darwin Award. There, you’d be killing two birds with one stone. Or three ...or even four as there’s always the comedy value.