Rate the Excerpt Above You!

Okay, I'll bite... I do need to get used to giving constructive criticism so I can develop a 'leadership' role at work...

To start with, I really did like it. There was quite an interesting dichotomy between the lavish, lush fruit in the first paragraph and the determinedly hungry man in the second. I'm assuming there's going to be a connection between the two somewhere much further down the novel than you've posted.

Not something I would normally read or would have occasion to stumble across, but it was developed quite well.

You've unfortunately got stuck with a lawyer critiquing you - sorry about that - but there was just one thing that may need checking for character development. Basically, Jonathon, he'd have to have stolen something pretty major to be sentenced to prison for stealing on a first offence - either that or it would have to have incorporated violence or something other than your standard theft. Actually, I forgot to check your region, maybe you're somewhere with much stricter sentencing than Australia (where I'm from) but in any event punishment probably is not commesurate with the crime. In saying that, you've not told us why he's so afraid of being recognised, that could put an additional spin on the character and his crime?

One more thing - sorry - "while" not "whilst".

Beyond small grammatical things and the prison thing, I did enjoy it, and wouldn't mind seeing where you took the character once he (presumably) got hold of ambrosia.

Now me - my prologue is in my profile - could someone please check it out at http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/153727 and see what you think? I would post it but, while it's not long, it would be long enough in addition to my critique on the above novel that it would be quite a long post to read.

2006: Evil Ed's
2007: I Called Him Mine (WON!!!)
2008: When the World is Over (WON!!!)

What immediately jumps out at me is that the excerpt (which appears to be the beginning/setup for the rest of the novel) doesn't jump out at me. Nothing happens, not even any dialog, till the 1400-word mark. That's close to four pages in a standard publication format. Remember that you've got a page at most (and maybe as little as a paragraph or even a sentence) to hook the reader, or agent, or publisher. Action is a better hook than dialog, and dialog is a better hook than description.

I note that your opening is a prologue. Some writers and critics view prologues as a bad idea in most cases. Just get into the story, they say. Having not seen the main content of your novel, I can't say whether your prologue is a good or a bad idea. If its only purpose is to establish the premise that the world's coming to an end in a month, and the rest of the book deals with how people respond to that reality (which the synopsis implies), then you should probably ask yourself whether a prologue is necessary. If you are planning to continue with the story of Ana and Greg, can you simply begin with them facing the one-month-to-live situation and use conversation, news media or flashback to relate the critical information?

I will also say that your descriptive writing is good; my inner proofreader picks up few grammar or spelling mistakes. The amount of detail suggests you've done some research in the political dynamics of a big corporate research project. The description and detail will serve you well... later on, after some action and dialog have hooked your reader.

My excerpt, which oddly enough also features a strong-willed female project manager, is at:

http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/431564

It's the opening of the story. It's then followed by a visit to a place where the manager's final words just might turn out to be wrong...

Oooo, your story is so well-written compared to mine. I don't think I noticed any typos.
The second thing I noticed was just how in sync geeks and programers are. I was imagining myself and my extremely geeky gaming-buddy in that little meeting and it made it all the funnier. Althoug I'd have kept the shirt personally ;-)
I have to say I like the mix of office politics and quirky humour, I don't usually read this type of fantasy so I don't know how common it is to the genre but I like it, I think it makes a great hook...for some people. Don't know about hardcore Tolkienists (but they're so boring anyway). And I also didn't really worry about the fireplace in the office, I took it for granted that you have to stretch plausibility sometimes ot make a joke work.
I think I like Mona, although I'm not sure how sympathetic the opening makes her. i ended up being in two minds about how I'm supposed to feel about her soon-to-be adventures (I have an awful feeling that code is a technobabble Solomon's Key). Am I supposed to think she's an overbearing cad who'll get her comeuppance once magic enters her life? Am I supposed to think she's a stressed-out workaholic who'll become a fantasy Heroine? Should I be sympathising with Smithson and the fact that he's got a bulldozer on his @$$ ? I think I'd need the next scene to put the opening into better perspective, in terms of who I'll be sympathising with.
Great read overall, congrats on winning too!

(rats, skipped again! Anybody who reads mine, it's part 6...or 7. In Medias Res, the Res being 3 days of torture and captivity.)

"I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night."
Sarah Williams

"All that's left are our own imaginings"
Kezia Spears

Hi danielcstarr,

I would give your story a chance based off your excerpt. At first, I was turned off by the profession of your characters, I am not technologically inclined at all and was afraid I wouldn't understand your characters. However, the dialogue and actions between your characters softened the edges of the technological stuff. I didn't need much knowledge of computers and software to understand what was going on.

Mona sounds like she is a bad a**. Her reaction to the gift was chilling and I was nicely surprised she could be so animated (throughout her entire presentation to Smithson). I was drawn in by the time she was exposing Smithson's useless programming language.

What was the wheelchair all about? I thought it was a form of intimidation, like Smithson was going to be wheeled out of her office at some point because he wouldn't be able to walk.

I was amused that Mona felt 'invigorated' by the confrontation. She had every right to be, though, she is extremely aware of what is going on around her and is quite effective at intimidation. Not someone I would want to cross.

I hope my attempt at a critique is helpful in SOME way. I haven't had much experience.

It wasn't bad, but I don't if it's my type of book. Unice sounds interesting, but I didn't really understand the story just from the excerpt. The setting seems to fit, in an office, and I do like your descriptions of the employees, so that was good.
I can't really think of anything you did wrong, I'm probably just more of a Fantasy reader. So good job! And sorry for the terrible critique, I haven't really done this before.

Mine's pretty bad, but here it is:
http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/421679

Hi,

Loved your dialogue - it was pretty sharp, and your description was good. The only thing I'd say was that their names were used too much in conversation - I don't use people's names very often when I speak to them - not even nicknames." I did like Fall as a nickname for Autumn though.

The bit that didn't work as well was the example of how her family talked - if you want to show it, I'd do it as a scene before instead of an example.

Overall though, very interesting and I'd quite like to know the family secret!

Mine's in my profile whoever comes next.

http://community.livejournal.com/characteraday/

I like it. You make good use of the diary format. I like how it shows quotidian life without devolving into banality. I would be interested to see how the plot emerges from all of the diary entries. I also liked the jump into her sitting at the table with her family. My only comment would be that I don't need to be told what she's feeling so much. The contrast between the lie and the correct diary entry is fairly strong and you could make the bit in between shorter I felt.

My excerpt is in my profile. It's just the first paragraph. I didn't yet have a plot when I wrote that.

Very, very interesting. Considering that we know next to nothing about your character, that snippet serves to give us a peek into his soul. Now I'm wondering more about him! Certainly, an entire novel written from such an honest and human perspective would be a good read!

Spareoom.net

Very nice excerpt Gymfan15, it has a nice flow to it so it reads easily. I'm guessing this is from the beginning of your novel since it seems introductory, be careful with the length of the infodumps. One thing I noticed is that you use 'then' a lot. It isn't major but you could use some diversity in explaining the chronological order of their actions.

In your dreams....anything is possible.

Shujin:

As someone who has seen/read my fair share of sci-fi- I was intrigued by your concept.

I found the dialog to be compelling and your descriptions vivid- I did not want to stop reading when the exerpt was over. I was looking for the page to turn, so to speak or in this case trying to scroll down further to no avail LOL

I like your use of language- this line jumped out at me at the end of your synopsis:

He woke up one morning, and his nightmares awoke with him.

that gave me chills. I was drawn to Byron because of his kindness to El despite her seeming...well...lunacy.

I might be, age and gender wise what you'd consider outside of your general 'fantasy reader' demographic but I was fascinated by your exerpt and synopsis and overall thought that your novel exerpt shows real promise..

Good show!
~February

'Cause when your back's against the wall,
that's when you show no fear at all;
and when you're running out of time,
that's when you hitch your star to mine." ~My Shadow by Keane

Shujin

First I have to admit that I wouldn't normally seek out novels of this genre.

However I really enjoyed reading this excerpt. I thought the reference to the nightmare being here was wonderfully well done!

I also enjoyed the references to the child holding hands as a source of comfort.

I like the wonderful descriptions when the coin was being searched for too.

Although quite a lengthy piece, it was fast moving so seemed much short. I enjoyed it and it might have presuaded me to

read similar books in the future.

LouiseAlex;

I thoroughly enjoyed your excerpt, though I regret the fact that it was so short! I love your vivid description, especially when it comes to Alex's reactions and how vivid your conversations seem. :) Well done.

I got skipped...please take a peek? :) tyvm!

'Cause when your back's against the wall,
that's when you show no fear at all;
and when you're running out of time,
that's when you hitch your star to mine." ~My Shadow by Keane

February..I don't know if you saw this before the last topic got locked...

I, as a rule, don't do chick lit...well unless it's a film with Firth or Grant...preferably involving a fountain...but I really REALLY like this.
Two lines...two freaking lines is that synopsis and already I HAD to keep reading. It's very, I'm not really sure how to put this, because when I see chick lit is screams Four Weddings and Notting Hill, and to some degree the easy realism mixed with adequate character driven plot that makes Richard Curtis so brilliant, is absolutely captured in your work. It's like you've taken that part of those films, the part I love, and added it to you in novel form! That looks complicated..In short I mean it is really good.
Just quickly, Dru and Geoff: I actually cannot help but smile when they are in there. I think i love them! :D
And aww let Aidan get his wish!

February:

I really enjoyed reading this, I loved the way you described the relationship between the married couple at the wedding and then concentrated on how the older married man was viewing proceedings.

At first I found the style of writing slightly different to what I am used to, however, it really suits the story well.

Dru and Geoff are very believeable characters.

I love the description of the bell ringer, she sounds like she might just be able to make Aidan's wish come true.

This was charming!

Aithinne: I really like how you write. It's vibrant and the characters really seem interesting. I really like Joel, he's the embodiment of the male species, haha. :)

I do suggest trying to paragraph things because it was really hard to read!

Thanks for this...I'm a critic whore!
How do you mean paragraph things? I've added an extra line between where I think the gaps should be (very difficult to see with that ridiculously thin edit box for the novel extracts!) Is that what you meant?

Anyway, I am very very intrigued with your story... add a summary if possible? I really like what you've done so far, in that extract setting a tone, and the cultural backdrop of the novel to come. Even in that short piece I felt like I wanted him to find a child alive..very well done!

Aithinne: You're totally welcome!

Well, right now (it could be my computer) but it seems like a huge mass of text, so yeah, I assume we're talking about the same thing. :)

Thank you! I'm not really good in summarizing, which is why I haven't done that, but I might try to write one. Thank you for the crits!

Mitsuki
This is the bestest, goriest thing I've read all month! yay! seriously, your descriptions gave me the shivers.
On to the critique, while Rimuro seems like a good man, and I do like his travels through the underworld of the city, it's very hard to get a sense of anything else. He's not interacting with anyone (outside of the boy) and that makes it hard for me to get into his head, which I'd like to do. Apart from a vague over-arcing horror, he's not exactly looking for friends, or part of a rescue party, or something to give more context to who he is and, more importantly, why I should care. I think he'd be a stronger narrator if you gave more reasons for his search-and-rescue, maybe he spoke with someone who witnessed it, or got directions from a soldier in the aftermath..
The prose was smooth and fluid, I didn't notice any mistakes. I'm intrigued, congrats on winning.
*bump*

"I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night."
Sarah Williams

"All that's left are our own imaginings"
Kezia Spears

Andrea-tiefling: So, not gonna lie, I skipped the summary and went straight to reading the excerpt- which probably accounts for my confusion over the narrator's gender (some masculine pronouns would not be remiss, unless it's purposeful). However, I think that you've got a good thing going there, and it was an interesting read. There was also a bit of confusion with the names, in terms of pronunciation and that one moment where Spurius becomes angry when referred to as Spurios (is it a Latin thing?), but I enjoyed the Greco-Roman sense of setting/culture (which, if you didn't intend it and is completely off base, may be something you wish to correct). Other than that, I've got nothing against it. Nice job! :)

Now, my excerpt has mentions of sexual activities, but not actual ones. Kinda hard to avoid, seeing as it involves two college age boys, one a pervert and the other kinda pathetic. Nothing explicit, just implied stuff, and not slash, btw.

http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/147739

If a picture's worth one thousand words.... then I need fifty pictures.

I thought Mona was a great character! A little more physical description wouldn't hurt though, if this is our first meeting of her... My first assumption was that she was a larger woman, with a nickname like "Dozer" -- kind of plump, but full of dynamic contrast: pale skin, dark short hair, sharp eyes...

Also, I really enjoyed being able to follow your story... for the most part. I got the concept and particulars of Smithson's deception, the thing I don't understand (and maybe this is an embarrassing statement, cuz I am definitely not a programmer), I'm not sure what a black box is, nor do I understand what is supposed to be in it or what it is supposed to do, so the gravity of the situation is somewhat lost on me. You are probably aiming for a more tech-savvy readership, but if you are looking for just a general sci-fi audience, you may want to slip in a brief sentence in layman's terms about the purpose of a black box... if that makes sense.

I'll go to the end of the line with my excerpt, but I wanted to jump in here because I really enjoyed your writing style.

S

"It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do."
--Jerome K. Jerome

Funny! Entertaining, and, from my experience with guys, definitely realistic. :-) I am not exactly sure what else I can critique, since the excerpt seemed a bit short. I'd read more though, if that says anything! The dialogue ran smoothly (except for the fact that I'm not sure how you can cook for someone without them having to see your face at some point, but I imagine there were special circumstances).

Let me know if you post a longer excerpt...

My excerpt is in my profile! Any and all constructive comments welcome... Parts of it are kind of weak. And, just so you know going in, he's a werewolf, she's a vampire, and at this point in time, they haven't done anything but fight with each other.

S

"It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do."
--Jerome K. Jerome

1st Timer:

Your writing style is quite good. I was intrigued by the first couple of paragraphs...but then I started losing it. I think it has something to do with how long your excerpt is, and how much dialog, instead of action, there is. Advice: shorter excerpt, and make more exciting things happen.

It also sounded a bit like Twilight, along with a bit like my nano novel, which is strange. But all in all, pretty good. :D

Someone please read/rate mine! :D

Sella-- I liked it, the suspenceful way you started it was a nice way to draw people in. It did sound some what choppy, did not flow to well. Description was good, Ending it the way you did also drew me in, I now want to read the rest! (First time reveiwing sorry)

As for mine: I want the truth, though be nice about it. What I would really like to know is is it interesting enough to draw you in?

~Excerpt
Coon watched the goings ons of the camp below, in particular the goings on of Iratus.
She knew he was mad at her, she knew he would be if he wasnt yet. And this was the reason she hid, spending her day in a tree.
It seemed that the young gypsy girl could not stay out of trouble for long. This did not help her status in the camp. It was only by the grace of Iratus, leader of this small troop, that she had remained this long.
"There he is..." She said to her self, pushing her shoulder length black hair from her face.
She watched as Iratus and the man called Borious conspicuously slipped in to a tent.
Coon never liked it when the two of them talked, especially after she had caused trouble.
Borious was forever reminding anyone who would listen of Coon's past mistakes.
"Well, if you would act like a normal person none of this would happen." She sighed. Normal, she never felt normal. Not after her life experiences. Living on her own, on the streets, for three years. Normal people were more civilized then her.
"I wonder why they went about it so secretly..." and this was her trouble. she hated not to know.
She itched to go and find out, the question was killing her. “Oh, he’ll surely kill me.” She told her self. But she had to know, she thought she would melt if she did not.

“All right fine…” And so, she quietly clambered down the tree,Trying to hide behind the tents. She knew exactly which side the cot would be on, Iratus all ways had his cot on the same side.
Glancing behind she checked for any watchers. there was no one. Slowly inching up the tent she slid under neath the cot. Luckily the blanket was falling off the side of the cot.
“What do you mean! You know the four stones should be spread!” Hissed Borious.

The stones. The four elemental stones, controlling the element it was named for. So that was why they had been so secritive.

“Yes, but you know it hasnt been the same since the war. Things are changing, and dont you deny it.” Iratus answered.
“I dont like it. Some thing is bound to screw it up.”
Iratus smiled, “Aye, with our luck Coon will mess it up some how.”
Coon clenched her fists at the comment. Was that what they all knew her for? A screw up. “You’ll show him. Just wait.” She thought.
“I all ways told you not to let her in. Street rat.”
“It dosent help that your remind her of her past....problems.”
"You only say that because of who she reminds you of."

"Coon is nothing like her,"

"Says you."

Coon knew who they were referring to. Iratus's daughter. Coon never heard much about her, only that she had died and left Iratus forever saddened by her memory.

“Well then better get moving. Should get to Unda before night fall.” Iratus said motioning towards the door.
“Right, I’ll get them going.”
And then, the unthinkable happened. Coon sneezed.
“Oh crap…”
“Who’s in here! Come on we know your here!” Borious threatened.
“Under the bed…” Muttered Iratus.
“I’m dead, I’m dead, I died. Oh gosh I am so dead.” But then an idea formed out of her frightened mind. Smoke. If she could summon smoke no one would see her. “Smyther…” She whispered, and snapped. Then all heck broke lose, smoke filled the tent. There was coughing and sputtering from Iratus and Borious. And Coon rolled out of the tent, tearing off towards the few carts owned by the gypsys.

She leaped on to the cart belonging to her only friend, Chato.

“Oh thank goodness.” She gasped when she saw chato.
“What in the world?” The tall blond boy asked.

“Dont ask. I need to hide!”
“Please tell me your not in trouble again!”

"Shut up and help."

He shook his head laughing at her. He opened the lid to a large black trunk.

She quickly scrunched her self in to the trunk. And then she let out a huge sigh of relief. “Just hide in here for a few minutes, maybe hours…”
Then she heard the dreaded foot steps. Borious. “Of course!” Borious just happened to be Chato’s father. “What’s wrong?” She heard Chato ask.
“Some one was spying on me and Iratus. Seen anything strange?”
“Oh please dont tell! Please Chato, please.” She begged in her mind.
“No, nothing really.”
“Are you sure? This is a very important bit of information.”
There was a long pause, “Yes, I am sure.”
“Right then, help pack the cart. We’ll be moving on soon.”
And then he left. Once again Coon let a sigh of relief escape her lips.
“All right let me out!” She said banging on the lid.
“You werent the spy were you?” He asked opening the trunk.
“M..m…Maybe.” She stammered.
“Oh blast it! Your lucky he didnt find you! He all ready hates you. Lucky I can even speak with you.”
“You have no idea…” She said remembering the nasty comment.”Well, no one has to know. And you. You are sworn to secrecy.”
“I dont like it. But I’ll keep the secret.” Chato growled.

"Thank you." she smiled and dashed away from the cart.

Bearcoon, your novel sounds like a suspense thriller. Nice... it's more than interesting enough to get people hooked and wanting to continue reading.

As for mine, please rate em honestly? :-D

Prologue
A dark, shadowy figure sat on a tree watched a sleeping young lady from afar under the moonlight through her window. The beautiful lady slept peacefully while the one who was observing her jumped down from the tree branch that he's latching swiftly, as swift as the wind. Sadness and grief followed his footsteps as he silently walked beneath the silvery moonlight. He could not bear watching her any longer. It breaks his heart badly.

"Sire?" a voice squeaked out, breaking the silence of the night. The man did not startle despite of the invincibility of the owner's voice.

"She couldn't remember me....she couldn't, Zephyr...she couldn't, and she wouldn't" a smooth voice replied, shattering the silence around them. The voice was almost inaudible, as if his words were not meant to be heard by anyone.

Wind started to blow, engulfing the dark figure and his supposedly companion, revealing a very handsome young man and a winged horse. The man was wearing a cloak, shielding him from the cold. Such strange picture against the modern world setting, as if the pair just came out from a strange world, or rather, a fairytale story.

As a car drove by and almost hit the two figure. The winged horse leap and took flight and soared high in the sky, causing the driver who witnessed the whole process to watch in disbelief with his jaw gaping open.

"So what are you going to do, Your Highness? The Queen could not remember you anymore...her people needs her..." the horse said and once again, breaking the still of the night as the man on his back patted the horse's head softly. Navigating away from the sparkling city, the pair bump into the clouds, and as it burst, a lush world came into view. A beautiful world that is far from modern or tainted with the buzzing vehicles.

"As what I always did, Zephyr, I will claim her. I will claim her all over again, and she will remember what I meant to her." the man said, and his words were like a vow. He definitely meant to do it.

cleffairy:

I liked the atmosphere in your excerpt, it rminded me of dark fairytales. The use of English was interesting too creating an almost "Old English" feel to your work.

I presumed that we were reading about times long gone, so the reference to the modern day car was quite a revelation!

"She couldn't remember me....she couldn't, Zephyr...she couldn't, and she wouldn't"

I really like this line, it has a desperate poignancy to it.

I would say that maybe sometimes you have used plurals when maybe that wasn't required, but that is a minor quibble which will be picked up with editing.

I liked reading this and want to know if the Queen will indeed remember eventually!

LouiseAlex -

I liked it! Your dialogue style is really interesting, and your characters are intriguing. I particularly liked the interaction between Alex and Harry in the beginning, it gave a lot of insight into the situation.
I have to admit, in the very beginning, I was a little confused and lost in the talking, but I soon found my way out. There was a few times when awkward punctuation disrupted the flow, but that stuff is all pretty minor.
Great job with the portrayal of Alex, and her placement between Mike and Harry. I loved the dynamics between the characters, and the different sides you can see of Alex, depending on who she's with at the time.
The short scenes had their good and bad points, they helped show the entire picture, for example, but they also detracted a little from the character interaction.
All in all, I liked it and think you did a wonderful job.

2006: How (Not) To Get Rich...30k
2007: Oh, the Times I've had With You...53,762
2008: Musal'tuewa'kun...50,234

write2jkp -

As soon as I read the excerpt, I caught a flashback of the books from one of my favorite authors, Cassie Edwards. She is known for writing historical fiction/romances involving Native American men and just reading your stuff gave me fond memories of sitting out on my porch and reading the latest one that I could get my hands on.

I like the first person viewpoint of Rebekah. However, at some points, it felt as though infomation was being repeated. Also, to me, the spelling of Rebekah seems to be a bit too modern considering the time period. Most historical fictions that I've read seemed to have it spelled as Rebecca. But then, again...this is just my viewpoint...I can be anal about things like this sometimes.

All and all, I liked it..

Good job.

For those who want to read mine....just take a look at my profile. Thanks.

Kalera Ivy:

First off I love the cover... did you do it?
After I read the summary of your novel I had shivers. It seems like an interesting fantasy aspect, played out with more than a little dash of mystery and intrigue, which I am loving! I also like the extract; it gives a rounded side to the "malicious" character of Dante, and was very well written from the limited POV of the desperate man trying ot find answers..great stuff!

Well, I would like to be included, but I see you've already been critqued Aithinne. I supposed more help won't hurt, huh?

I really liked your excert! The story was interesting, and you have a great sense of pacing, the events seemed to unraval naturally. I especially love your dialogue. You have a very good ear for it. Your decription was well done too, not too much, but different enough words to stand out.
I had a difficult time, first, with the formatting between the two excerpts. I wasn't sure if excerpt two was the next part in the story, or another part that you wanted to be read. It actually goes towards your great pacing, I was jarred from one section to the other. So that is really not your fault. If they do come right after the other, I would say label them chapters, at least for these purposes, so we know that's what comes next in the novel. It's harder to gauge that since I don't have the whole maniscript.
Also, on that note, this may not be too much of an issue with the entire novel in context, but in the excerpt, I felt my eyes glaze over during the entire sequence of Nathanial thinking about his birthday. I am not one of those people who have to have instant action in the begining, this book is exactly something I would read, but after the first few sentances about how he feels about his birthday, the rest seemed to belabor the point.
However, you did have some great lines during that narration, or pieces of information that seemed important to character, so if you don't want to cut it, I would suggest intersperse the narration with an action scene, like during breakfast, or while walking or something of that nature.

I hope that helped! Great job!

If someone could tell me how mine is....it's in my novel info, I did two books this year, but it's just the first chapter from the second one, Seeing Red. It's a modern day retelling of Little Red Riding Hood.
It's the first draft, and the prose is still rough, so be warned. My main question is whether or not the pacing is too slow for a first chapter. Whether or not I should change it, add more foreshadowing, or it was interesting enough. Of course, suggestions on syntax and grammar is welcome too, as well as whether or not you liked the characters.

Thanks bunches!

NaNo 08: Seeing Red/Heaven's Gate and Hell's Masquerade (unfinished)

Proud owner of a plot Wolverine.