Title: Lightbringers
Length, Draft and Language: Originally 50,000; after removing cut passages, 45,000 words. First Draft. English.
Brief Summary: A guy who's losing his mind in a superficially perfect and happy society turns to the secret underground of depravity & decadence in hopes of feeling something (anything), nearly gets "disappeared" by law enforcement during a sting, and then gets rescued by a secret revolutionary group and its impressive female leader. He throws his lot in with theirs and helps them try to strike a massive blow against the oppressive government. Can they really do anything that matters... and can he find himself in the process?
Sub Genre & Keywords: action-adventure; dystopian utopia; positive thinking, new thought, revolution, philosophy, theology, psychology, near future, future United States, strong female roles
Known Issues:
- The epilogue is weak and should probably just be cut entirely.
- My futuristic technology is rife with problems (I did no research).
- Oh boy is it preachy and emo and cheesy.
Critique Requested: Please don't bother with any grammar, spelling, or proofreading comments, or details of sentence/paragraph construction. I want big picture stuff. Specifically:
- Is the book overall so preachy and emo and cheesy that it is intolerable? How bad *is* the preachiness and emo-ness and cheesiness? Do I scale it back 10% or 50% or...?
- Is it too dark/awful/gritty/brutal? Do I scale back that stuff 10% or 50% or...?
- Is the plot engaging enough? Is it too linear (as to be boring)? Does enough *happen* or do I need to add entire huge subplots? Does it take too long to gear up in the first few chapters?
- Is there anything that doesn't make sense - plot holes, tech that can't possibly work that way, etc.?
- Is the futuristic society and its matriarch terrifying enough? Is the underground yucky enough? Are the Lightbringers and their female leader compelling enough? Or does it all seem like much ado about nothing?
- Are the Lightbringers' emotional training techniques compelling? Or is the cheesiness just too great?
- Do you love or hate the main characters as appropriate or do they fail to engage?
Critique Tolerance: Please don't hurt me! -ducks- You are invited to say pointed and strong things as long as they are gently and tactfully phrased.
Experience & Goals: This is my first novel. I'd like to publish it. I haven't sent it out yet. I need to know if it's near publishable as it is, or whether it needs copious, substantial work, or whether it should just be abandoned.
Method of Communication: Email at theskyling@gmail.com is great; I'd rather not IM.
Anything else? There is violence, horrible death scenes, lots of strong emotion, cursing, and some other creepy stuff.
If you can't get through actually reading the entire thing, please just send me whatever comments you've got after a week or two. I'd rather get that than never hear back.
Thank you :)
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50,047 / 50,000
déc. 1, 2008 - 11 33
I am very interested. I like the idea- in the right hands, it could bloom very nicely. Since you aren't interested in a line-by-line critique, I think I could get the story back to you fairly quickly; I've been doing beta-reading for a while now (admittedly, it's for the trolls on FFN, but I find charity work quite soothing), and I can tell what works and what doesn't in all the areas you mentioned. I'm quite lenient, though, when it comes to readability (after all, I sat through Twilight), so I'm not sure if I'm the best for you there- but I can at least tell you if *someone* will like it. And also how badly any possible publishers will eviscerate it.
If you are actually interested in swapping, my novel is fantasy and technically not done yet. To reach the NaNo word count, I left off somewhere in the middle, but I truncated some things so it has an ending- albeit a rather open one. Mostly, I need help knowing where things need to be explained more and where they are explained too much- grammar and such I can handle by myself. If we swapped, I would have to read yours first since my computer ate about 8000 words in the middle of mine that I need to rewrite.
79,614 / 50,000
déc. 1, 2008 - 13 22
I'd love to swap!
Your book sounds both aggravating, and pessimistic. :) I hope I spelled those right!
:) Mine is the Sci-Fi novel called "Memory".
My email is:
ethan.wilkins@gmail.com
----------2007 Nanowrimo-The Elements: Document 242 50000+ words
2008 Screnzy-Cliquified! 101 Pages
2008 Nanowrimo - Memory: 79614 words
55,601 / 50,000
déc. 1, 2008 - 16 24
I'd love to swap with you! Would you like to look at mine while I look at yours?
'Spark'
55,601 (but I'd like it if critiqued in chapters), First draft, English
Spark
Lauren is scarred from a terrible event that happened almost a year ago. she has trouble dealing with life on a daily basis and her old friends have been turning against her. she has anger problems. She wishes that things could just go back to normal and doesn't know what to think. That one day in Blake's room she'll never forget, especially the spark. (Is that a lame summary or what?!)
Sub Genre & Keywords - super powers, popular girls, present time, finding yourself, defiant teen, unsure, love
Known Issues - I think I have problems with really defining my main charecter and getting her to seem realistic.
Critique Requested -
-Is the main character realistic?
-Do I use good surronding description?
-How cheesy is it? (I know it's really cheesy already)
-How believeable is it?
And anything other critiquing you'll give me!
Critique Tolerance - I'm okay with anything as long as you don't flat out say "This is HORRIBLE".
Experience & Goals - This is my first novel, and I'm only 13 so I want to know how I'm doing. I'd looooove to publish but I think it has a lot of problems to do so.
Method of Communication - my e-mail is 'thejazroom@gmail.com' and I'd be okay with imming.
Anything else? I have no deadline but I'd like the hear back ASAP. and there's nothing really graphic.
53,686 / 50,000
déc. 1, 2008 - 17 57
I'd love to swap with whoever else wants to! Though, I'm not sure who would want to read my novel. I'm in the middle of editing and page 41 is a mess, although that's all my fault.
My E-mail is my name: JangoJordan@Gmail.com
Kyle Hendricks isn't exactly a normal kid. He has an awesome sister that he loves and two supporting parents, and then he walks out the door and is transported into the future where he meets a girl named Alyx. The base they're in comes under attack, and they flee. They travel across the continent and find friend and foe, and the foe; is Kyle Himself.
If anyone wants to read it, contact me via E-mail. I'm almost literally on [gmail] twelve hours a day, except Thursdays, so expect a quick response!
EDIT: Be as positive or negative as you want, I don't care. Just don't be too harsh.
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NaNoWriMo 2008 winner; Invasi|ion. . . . .
50,345 / 50,000
déc. 1, 2008 - 19 50
Title: Phases: My Life on Ganymede
Length, Draft and Language: 50,345. First Draft. English.
Brief Summary:
In the year 2143, the Federation of Exobiology and Neural Development has experimented with genetic alterations in order to create a perfect World Leader, making use of experimental drugs and unusual methods. This leader would change the current system of forced world peace, under another company called iWorld. Enter Subject C4-P13-R, the one who they think will be best suited for the job.
After 16 years of living in seclusion and learning at a rate much faster than those her age, 4-13 is notified, after traveling all the way to a base on Ganymede, that F.E.N.D. has gone bankrupt, and she no longer has a home. Alone and penniless on a moon far from her old life, she comes into herself with the help of a homeless boy, a few aliens, and a crazy new life on Ganymede.
Sub Genre & Keywords: future world, space, aliens, Ganymede, young adult / teen, political undertones
Known Issues:
- The plot does not move smoothly from point to point
- The characters are poorly developed
- My attempts at foreshadowing make everything way too obvious
Critique Requested:
- Is the basic plot line okay?
- Do the characters have enough depth?
- Is the ending too... fast / slow / lame / unoriginal / anything?
- How should I change the transitions so the time line isn't so choppy?
- Any other critique is appreciated, but don't bother yourself with the grammar or spelling. :]
Critique Tolerance: I can take anything, but please don't be openly mean. I just want your honest opinion!
Experience & Goals: First NaNo, and all I want is to have a brag-worthy novel that I can show off to my friends. I would not force this novel on my worst enemy in the stage, which is why I'm asking nicely. If you have any suggestions at all, I'm open to them! I just want this novel to be the best that it can be.
Method of Communication: E-mail at catyblueice@aol.com or AIM nobigdealiooo
Anything else? This is a young adult novel, written by a young adult. There is mildly bad language in a few parts, and small description of violence. It is nothing too bad, but if that kind of thing bothers you, keep it in mind. Other than that, I've mentioned everything already. :]
Thanks, whoever decides to take this on! Congrats to everyone who wrote words this month.
53,686 / 50,000
déc. 4, 2008 - 16 52
Length, Draft and Language: 50,345. First Draft. English.
Brief Summary:
In the year 2143, the Federation of Exobiology and Neural Development has experimented with genetic alterations in order to create a perfect World Leader, making use of experimental drugs and unusual methods. This leader would change the current system of forced world peace, under another company called iWorld. Enter Subject C4-P13-R, the one who they think will be best suited for the job.
After 16 years of living in seclusion and learning at a rate much faster than those her age, 4-13 is notified, after traveling all the way to a base on Ganymede, that F.E.N.D. has gone bankrupt, and she no longer has a home. Alone and penniless on a moon far from her old life, she comes into herself with the help of a homeless boy, a few aliens, and a crazy new life on Ganymede.
Sub Genre & Keywords: future world, space, aliens, Ganymede, young adult / teen, political undertones
Known Issues:
- The plot does not move smoothly from point to point
- The characters are poorly developed
- My attempts at foreshadowing make everything way too obvious
Critique Requested:
- Is the basic plot line okay?
- Do the characters have enough depth?
- Is the ending too... fast / slow / lame / unoriginal / anything?
- How should I change the transitions so the time line isn't so choppy?
- Any other critique is appreciated, but don't bother yourself with the grammar or spelling. :]
Critique Tolerance: I can take anything, but please don't be openly mean. I just want your honest opinion!
Experience & Goals: First NaNo, and all I want is to have a brag-worthy novel that I can show off to my friends. I would not force this novel on my worst enemy in the stage, which is why I'm asking nicely. If you have any suggestions at all, I'm open to them! I just want this novel to be the best that it can be.
Method of Communication: E-mail at catyblueice@aol.com or AIM nobigdealiooo
Anything else? This is a young adult novel, written by a young adult. There is mildly bad language in a few parts, and small description of violence. It is nothing too bad, but if that kind of thing bothers you, keep it in mind. Other than that, I've mentioned everything already. :]
Thanks, whoever decides to take this on! Congrats to everyone who wrote words this month.
I'd love to take this on!
I'll E-mail you.
It was amazing! I loved it, except the parts about having Sex with their boyfriends, because that's against my religious views.
----------The four alien girls, I can never remember their names. I didn't really care that one of them died, it wasn't emotional or anything. Maybe that's just me, but it didn't arouse any feeling in me.
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NaNoWriMo 2008 winner; Invasi|ion. . . . .
--------
NaNoWriMo 2008 winner; Invasi|ion. . . . .
51,132 / 50,000
déc. 7, 2008 - 12 51
Title: The White of Day
Length, Draft and Language: Not sure... around 60K, but I haven't done any editing - 1st Draft, English
Brief Summary : (I just copied out of my profile) "People don’t remember what happened before, and whites are taught that blacks have always ruled; always have and always will. But the world is bigger than it seems. There are places out there that have cut off connection with us and live in equality still. If a certain person could find one of these places, they could change the world. They could change the world - and rock the country to its roots.”
Welcome to Aké's world, approximately some 300 years in the future. Her country has rebelled and cut off communication with the world. Those with black skin are still the minority, but there's a difference. The government rules all, and is only blacks. The whites (known as rigaldas) are slaves. Enter Aké.
Aké' is but 15 years old, with skin as pale as the walls she whitewashes with the WWD bot. She meets an old lady, who gives her a new insight on life. Aké is average, perfectly average, with no special ability, except for one thing. She can lead and well. Aké' has this *crazy* idea that somehow, this whole system of blacks and whites can change. And an idea, no matter how small, is one that can undermine a long-lived way of life.. forever.
Sub Genre & Keywords - Future, equality, whites and blacks, skin color, teenage girls,
Known Issues - Spelling errors, there are a couple italicized spots that I don't feel like writing
Critique Requested - Everything.
- Do you like reading it?
- Are there any 'awkward' spots?
- Word choice
- Anything I can cut?
- Anything I can add?
- Boring spots?
- EVERYTHING!
Critique Tolerance - Oh, I want major critique. Be. As. Mean. As. Possible.
Experience & Goals - First novel, my friends have looked over it and really liked it.. so maybe I'd get it published.
Method of Communication - NaNoMail, please!
Anything else? - I don't think so...
Thanks! <3
-----------------
Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;
persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished;
persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.
BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR
per
G.C., CHIEF OF ORDINANCE
50,792 / 50,000
déc. 8, 2008 - 19 30
I posted my own thread.
----------I wanted to delete this post so I could post my own thread.
He Makes me Sing