Excerpt: NaNoWriMo '08

“Sooner or later they’re going to ask you for a doctor’s note, you know,” Melanie says.

Brendan waves his hand and says, “I’ve got a university buddy who’s a doctor. I’m covered.”

“I hate going to the doctor,” say Melanie, “I can never pee in the cup. I mean, who can pee on command? No one. Anyone who can is probably a little sick in the head.”

“You know how hard it is to pee when someone’s watching you?” asks Brendan.

“Why would someone be watching me pee?”

“Well, I mean like when guys are standing at urinals in a public washroom.”

“Oh yeah, ew, you guys watch each other?”

“No not really. But if you think someone is, it’s hard to go. Performance anxiety.”

“Okay, fine. So what’s your point besides that guys are gross?”

“I once dated a girl who couldn’t pee unless someone was watching her.”

“What?”

“I’m dead serious. If she was all alone, she couldn’t go.”

“So did you…”

“No. God, no. She used to hang a picture of someone’s face on the back of her bathroom door and that usually did the trick.”

“Whose picture was it?”

“Bill Clinton’s.”

“Why Clinton’s?”

“I have no idea. But ol’ Slick Willy was the one who did it for her. The only problem is that eventually she started getting this pavlovian response going on. Whenever she saw Bill Clinton, in the news or in a magazine, she had to go. The nineties were pretty awkward for her.”