Excerpt: Pantalones of Peril

Here it is, proof that you actually can write a novel centered around the ever-important question: "where the hell are my pants?" And the censoring happened in the original document too. I just can't make myself write that word, but Chad needed to say it. :-/
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“Where the hell are my pants?” Reese Thorton shouted in frustration. His roommate grumbled loudly and rolled over in his bed. Reese turned on the light.
“Dude! I’m trying to sleep!”
“I have twenty minutes before lab starts and I can’t find my fricking pants!”
“Wear another pair and shut the f*** up. And turn off the light.” Chad Perkins growled from the top bunk.
“I can’t find any pants!” he said, nearly hysterical. He quickly opened and shut several drawers in succession, then moved to the closet where he began pulling out shirts in search of a single pair of pants. As he stood in his boxers amidst a growing pile of assorted shirts and sweaters, there was a knock at the door.
A muffled groan emitted from the top bunk where Chad had shoved his head under his pillow that sounded a lot like “duuuuck,” but possibly with a different consonant at the beginning.
Reese ignored him and opened the door to find Alison, a girl from across the hall who also happened to be in his lab period. She was wearing a skirt.
“Reese, do you have a TV in your room?”
“No. Go away.” Was the reply from the top bunk, but Reese said,
“Yeah, but I slept late and I’m trying to find a pair of pants to wear to lab. Are you not going?”
“I don’t know,” she said, tucking a strand of her mousy brown hair behind her ear, “but turn on your TV to the news, there’s something you need to see.”
“Don’t turn on the TV. Turn off the light and leave me the f*** alone. It’s f***ing seven forty five. The sun’s not even up yet.”
Reese ignored him again and turned on his TV. It was conveniently already on a channel that was showing a morning news show, but something was different. It was then he realized that the male weather reporter was wearing a skirt.
“What the heck?” was Reese’s initial reaction and he looked at Alison, who had come into the room to look at Reese’s TV, which technically belonged to Chad.
“For those of you just tuning in, you may have noticed I’m wearing a skirt. This is because, as many of you have also probably noticed, all the pants in the world appear to have simultaneously gone missing. This happened about an hour ago. The pair of pants I had been wearing actually disintegrated while I was getting ready for this broadcast, and the only choice was for me to report while wearing a skirt. If this offends you, I apologize, and I suggest you think of it as a kilt instead.” He turned back to the giant map behind him and continued with the weather forecast.
“There are no pants in the world?” Reese asked in a shocked voice.
“Apparently,” said Alison.
“No pants anywhere?”
“None at all.”
“You mean... in the entire world, there is not one pair of pants left?”
This time, Chad was the one to answer,
“That’s what the reporter said, f***tard, now let me go back to sleep or I’ll come down there and kick your annoying ass.” Reese continued ignoring his foulmouthed roommate.
“Who did this?”
“Earlier, the reporter said it was some guy named Lord Pantalones or something, but that seems like a joke,” said Alison seriously. Reese nodded.
“So where is this guy?”
“I don’t know. I don’t remember. It was some country I’ve never heard of.”
Reese looked at the TV, hoping it would dispense some other useful bit of knowledge, but it was still showing the skirted weatherman giving the forecast. He changed the channel until he came to another morning news show, ignoring more disgruntled, profanity-riddled protests from Chad.
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And another scene where I've managed to insert myself because I was bored:

“Oh no!” shouted a girl toward the front of the car in a somewhat startled voice. Several people on the train turned to look at her, including Reese. She looked to be in her late teens, with brown hair, green eyes, and a myriad of freckles across her face. She was holding a hand up under her nose, and was digging frantically through her purse with the other. “Does anyone have a Kleenex? My nose just started bleeding.” She said, loudly enough for the entire car to hear, but with her voice slightly muffled by her hand. Some people near her half-heartedly reached into pockets and purses, then shook their heads. Reese also reached into his bag.
“I have a Kleenex!” he said, and he stood up and carried it to where she was standing. The car had actually run out of seats during the time Reese was sleeping. The girl took the Kleenex gratefully.
“Thanks,” she said, and although her mouth was hidden beneath her hand and the Kleenex, he could tell she was smiling at him.

And you probably thought I'd make myself a useful or impressive character. Well, not today, I don't. :D