Excerpt: If I Could Spit, I'd Bite Your Head Off

"Well, all I know I was talking about how your big honker is probably all hollow like one of those Moby Dick whales and that's how you echo things into my head without moving your lips, and you get sore because I figured it all out on my own."

"Echo things into your head...?"

"Yeah, echo, you know, like ping ping ping."

"You think I use sonar communication techniques to talk with you?"

"Sure, see it all makes sense. That's how the whales and the dolphins and those things do it. I saw it on TV. They push this air around in their head, that's why their heads are so big, and it bounces around then comes out right between their eyes so it hits whatever they are looking at and then it bounces back, see. So you could aim it at me and when it bounces around in my head I'd hear you. Its simple. You don't have to re-invent some cheap second rate sci-fi telepathy stuff when the real stuff is right there on the Discovery Channel."

"Absolutely amazing..."

"Yeah, well, it ain't so much. But I can be pretty smart when I want to be. That's because when we talk we just talk, and our vocal cords are down there in our throat, not taking up room in our heads. So, our heads don't have all those empty chambers full of air just bouncing noise around them and our brains can be full sized. That also makes it so our head are quiet so we can think really good. Not like some lizard lipped empty headed characters I know of. ha ha... ah... hey... those teeth are showing again..."

"It is something of a paradox that those rather pathetic fleshy protuberances under your nose that flap so incessantly, reflecting the vapid fluttering of a challenged intellect, that in and of themselves sum up so well all that is different between our races, are yet at the very heart of why, even if I wanted to, I wouldn't bite you no matter how much they provoke one - so don't worry about the teeth."

"Nothing to worry about? For sure?"

"Ha...My race became vegetarians eons ago, unlike your barbaric hairy tree-swinging blubbery lipped progenitors."

"Vegetarians! Gosh, that means I don't have to worr... err... be concerned for your err... your karma... But hey... what's all this insulting stuff over human lips? What's wrong with them? I mean hey you remember that pic of that Italian babe I showed you the other day? Wow! Didn't you see those lips? I mean I thought once you got a good look at how good they look you'd understand how poor those lizard lips things you're stuck with...."

"I swear CK, vegetarian or not, there are times that I think if I could spit I'd bite your head off!"