Excerpt: That Which is Yes (working title)

Chapter 10: Waking Up

Catori paused on the sidewalk, maneuvering herself as best as she could so that she would be out of the way of most passerbys and yet still have a good angle to see the river below. She was positioned next to a stone railing that acted as a barrier between the busy city street and the gray, sluggish river that wound slowly through the heart of the city. From where she sat she could see the way the wind churned the surface of the water, leaving white capped ripples that trailed off in the wake of each gust. Over head, the sky continued to stay the color of burnished steel, dimming the sun's light and making the day feel all the more cold. She should have been inside, enjoying a hot cup of coffee or something similar, but instead she was poised at the river's edge, her camera clutched in numbing fingers. She'd opted not to bring her gloves, willing to suffer for her art if it meant she would have an easy time manipulating the controls.

After that first trip with Kalis to the park, she'd been ready to just give up again. She'd been so sure that whatever skill she'd had before was gone. The magic had left her art. But just the simple act of picking up the camera again, whatever the result, had been almost like coming back to a drug. It wouldn't leave her mind. Even so, she might have ignored it, willing to fight her way back to numb acceptance, if it hadn't been for the encouragement of her new neighbor. And Amanda, she supposed, but there was something significant about a stranger's acceptance. Amanda, as her friend, was obligated to be encouraging. It was part of the job description. But Corbin had nothing to gain by praising her work and they didn't know anything about each other, so he had no need to try and prop up her ego either. So she'd taken the praise to heart, gathered her courage, and gone back out into the city.

At first, she hated everything she brought home. But, she kept going out every day after she managed to escape her classroom, braving the growing chill in the air to see if she could find some trace of the magic that she used to feel just by working with a camera. And, every so slowly, she thought she just might be rediscovering it. It wasn't much, but now it seemed that at least one or two of the pictures she was taking were closer. Not quite what she remembered... but not quite so far, either.

Raising the camera to her eye, she set up the shot carefully, positioning the frame so that it caught the graceful sweep of the steel bridge that arched over the foaming water, its solid presence a stark contrast to the turbulence flowing below it. She found herself smiling slightly as her finger depressed the shutter button, setting off a satisfying click, followed by the now familiar whir of gears. Lowering the camera into her lap once more, she glanced down at the digital display, trying to judge whether the shot was worth keeping or not, when she was interrupted by eager voices.

"Ms. Valdez!"

"Hey, Ms. Valdez!"

Raising her head, Catori looked up to see two of her students coming down the sidewalk toward her. Sara and Amber had their arms linked around each other as they shivered in their thin sweater jackets, trying to make up for their 'fashionable' choice of protection. They were both smiling, waving eagerly as they caught her gaze.

"Hey, girls," she said, smiling back before looking at them appraisingly. "Isn't it a little cold to be dressed like that?"

"Yeah," Amber giggled, but she shrugged. "But we're not going far."

"What are you ladies doing out here, then?" Catori asked them.

Sara spoke up then. "We were just hanging out with people at the Burger King," she said, gesturing to the fast food place about a block down the road, just barely in sight. "But my brother's home from college so we're going back to hang out there for awhile with him and his friends."

"There's gonna be a whole bunch of college boys there," Amber chipped in, grinning widely.

Catori couldn't help but laugh. "Oh, I see how it is," she said, amused.

"What are you doing, Ms. Valdez?" Sara asked curiously, looking at the camera in Catori's hands.

"Just taking a few pictures," she said, nodding to the river. "For fun."

Amber's eyes lit up. "Oh! Take our picture, Ms. Valdez. Pleeeeaaaase?"

Catori smiled. "Sure." She gestured at them to back up. "Scoot back a little."

Giggling, the girls obliged, shuffling backwards awkwardly, arms still linked as they tried to hold on to as much heat as possible. As Catori counted down, they grinned, the easy smiles of friends in the middle of a good day, and their happiness was infectious. "Cheese!" Catori said, snapping the shot. She set the camera in her lap as the girls hurried over to look at the shot. "There, that looks pretty good," she said, turning it so they could see.

"Thanks Ms. Valdez!"

"Yeah, thanks!"

"No problem, girls," she replied. As they waved, ready to hurry on their way once more, she used her best teacher voice to call after them. "Have a good day, ladies. And behave yourselves." But she was smiling at their backs as they scurried off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Catori didn't upload the pictures right away when she got home. Instead, she settled down on her couch and pulled out a stack of grading that she'd been putting off all week as she practiced her photography. She knew she really couldn't afford to leave it for much longer.

Unfortunately, she remembered why she'd been putting it off so long when it took her most of the night to finish. She only stopped once, long enough to heat up a frozen dinner to snack on while she worked. Otherwise, she stayed at her task until the last paper was finished. Fighting a yawn, she blinked her eyes, trying to clear her sleep blurred vision as she shoved the stack of assignments back in her school bag. Checking her watch, she could see that it was getting late. She really needed to get to bed. But she had been responsible all night, and it wouldn't hurt to take a look at the photos she'd taken earlier.

Pulling herself back into her chair, she retrieved her camera from where she'd left it on the end table and rolled over to her computer. It only took a few minutes to connect the device to her computer and upload the files. She watched them pop into view, one at a time, on the screen. She clicked through them slowly, examining each one with a critical eye, trying to see if any of them had that special feel she was becoming more and more adept at finding. It was somewhat disappointing how few of them there were, but she was still pleased that it hadn't been a complete loss. There were two, at least, that showed promise. And, as she was beginning to think she really should call it a night, her eye fell on the thumbnail of her picture of the two girls. Smiling, she moved the mouse to hover over the image. She'd see how it turned out and then she really would go to bed. Clicking, she watched the hour glass appear for a split second as the computer thought, and then the photo was up on the screen, clear as can be. As she stared at it, Catori's smile faded into confusion, her brow furrowing the longer she looked.

It was definitely the picture she had taken, both girls clinging to each other, their flimsy, brightly colored scarves flapping in the wind as they hugged their thinly clad bodies and looked at the camera. But where Amber's expression was exactly as she remembered, her silly grin plastered hugely across her face, Sara's was another thing altogether. She had a small smile, but it was no where near enough to hide the sorrow that haunted her eyes. It was so intense that Catori had to roll back a bit further from the computer, like the sheer force of the emotion would somehow spread to her if she let it.

Shaking her head, she felt horribly disturbed. She would have sworn that Sara had been grinning just as much as Amber. Surely she would have noticed this sooner if it had been anything else. Yet, here it was, captured on film. Pictures didn't change, so it must have been her memory that was at fault. Somehow she'd missed this. She couldn't believe it.

It was several minutes later when she finally managed to pull herself away, closing the image so that she wouldn't have to look at it any more, but Sara's heartbroken expression continued to haunt her as she wheeled away, turning her back on the computer. As she readied herself for bed and climbed beneath the covers, turning off the light to welcome sleep finally, Catori couldn't help but feel a nagging sense of guilt that she could have been so oblivious when the girl had been right in front of her. She just didn't know how she'd let that happen. But there was nothing she could do about it now, of course. She'd just have to ask Sara if she was alright when she saw her tomorrow. Feeling uneasy, Catori closed her eyes and, after what seemed like an eternity, let sleep come to her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Attention all teachers. I apologize for the interruption, but there will be a quick staff meeting at 3:30, right after school."

Principal Galverson's voice buzzed through the intercom, interjecting itself over the antics of the 7th graders bouncing in their seats, eager for the end of the day. Catori grimaced slightly at the announcement (like they didn't have better things to do with their time than another staff meeting), but didn't have time to really think about it.

"Alright, Ladies and Gentlemen," she said, raising her voice to be heard over the din. "Voices off and eyes up here." She waited, arms crossed, until the class finally quieted down, other students quickly shushing those who were still stubbornly trying to talk. "Make sure you haven't left anything on the floor and that all my books are back on the shelves. I'll dismiss at the bell if everyone is quiet and in their seats." There was a storm of action as a handful of kids practically tripped out of their seats in their hurry to return the books and get back to their desks, hoping to be let out on time. Catori smiled slightly to herself. If only they knew that, half the time, the teachers were as eager as they were for the end of the day. Maybe more so. "What are you going to bring to class tomorrow?"she asked.

"Our finished rough draft," the students intoned, all together, the homework memorized. As it should be. She'd repeated it often enough. Even so, she knew she'd have a handful walk in tomorrow with dazed looks, looking like deer in the headlights when she asked where their paper was. Catori sighed. Then the bell rang and she smiled at them, opening the door and quickly stepping out of the day. "Ladies and Gentlemen, you are dismissed. Have a great rest of the day."

She nodded to all of them as they rose as one, flooding out of her door like a river overflowing in the spring. Then there was hall duty, making sure they didn't linger too long before hurrying to their buses, before she ducked back into her room to do some last minute prepping for the next day.

She wasn't eager to get to the staff meeting, so she didn't hesitate to slip into the copy room to make a few copies for tomorrow. Adding in the time to quickly tidy her room and to gather her things to leave, as well as the slower pace she was forced to travel at in her chair, she was one of the last teachers to duck into the auditorium. The meeting had already started when Patty, the secretary, opened the door for her and let her slip inside.

She couldn't see anything from her vantage point, but she could hear Principal Galverson speaking and, as she strained to hear his soft, serious voice, she began to feel a cold wave of dread creeping up her spine. Something was wrong.

"-wanted you to hear it from me, before the rumors started," Galverson was saying. "It's so recent, the kids might not even have heard anything yet, but you know how rumors are. It won't take long."

All around her, the other staff members wore serious expressions and they were shaking their heads as if in denial as the principal continued. "We're in touch with the family, so I'll send an email to you all to let you know when arrangements are made. Also, we'll be offering counseling to any students affected by this, but know that it is there for you as well, if you need it. We need to be united together as a staff through this."

There was a pause as the staff digested his statements before he said quietly, "You're dismissed."

As the teachers quickly dispersed, filtering out the door, conversations beginning to spring up all around her, Catori spun in her chair, looking around for Eric and Amanda. She saw them, standing further inside the auditorium. Eric had his arm around Amanda, who had buried her face against his shoulder, but he motioned Catori to come over with a serious expression when he caught her gaze.

Rolling over, Catori had to swallow around the growing lump of fear in her throat so that she would be able to speak. "I was a little late," she said nervously. "What happened."

Amanda's shoulders were shaking and she didn't look up. Eric solemnly patted her on the back, his eyes distant. "One of our students committed suicide," he said slowly, hesitating before he actually met Catori's gaze. He was trying to be the strong one, comforting his team mates as best he could. Catori could see it in his eyes. But his voice broke as he finished. "Sara Merski killed herself last night, while she was over at a friend's. The friend's parents found her this morning."