Feedback Chain

I like the idea, but isn't this better for December? When we all hit the 50k mark? The big thing of nano is that you dont edit during november and it could be a bit of a let down if someone gave critics and you might feel insecure of writing further again..

There's a thread like this in the All Ages bit and I for one really like it - just keep all the feedback positive (unless requested otherwise) and helpful, not getting too nitty gritty with the criticism (ie ""you need to sort out your grammar" = unhelpful but "why did your protangonist do X" is fine) and it is really fun and encouraging all round.

Xannadrew, I just got totally caught up in your excerpt. I love the way this perfect romantic meeting is shot through with the odd bit of "Hang on, something isn't quite right here". I'm deeply intrigued by the synopsis and the note. Another nano I really want to read! RIGHT NOW! lol

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Sara I laughed really hard during yours! Hopefully that was intentional. I could sorta' see someone trying to make an exit and trying not to remember who she slept with. Very cute!

Kimby I want to know what happens next.

LJMaggie~

Love, love, loved the opening lines. Especially where she says "I can see it in your eyes."

You took a cliched expression and turned it on its head because of all she can "see". Your title and premise are great and I want to find out what happens. How is he more broken than her...

Good luck and have fun with this~ lex

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warm fuzzies~ Lex
2005 Winner Untitled
2007 Winner "Surviving Serengeti"

Lexi-
Oh wow. That's... it makes a statement and I'm now wondering about Joelle and what's next for her.

HI Lexi:

I love that you're examining the darker side of gen-x (I'm a recovering Gen X-er, myself!). Joelle is an intriguing character who is not so off-putting that I'd want to smack her, and yet I can tell that she's got a long way to go before finding true happiness.

Good luck and I see that you're over the hump!

Best,
Mary C.

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Mary Castillo
www.marycastillo.com

Mary, you're a tease! But I like the concept and it's a sweet title. Post an excerpt!! :p :D

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Hi Sarah-Flute,

I really liked your excerpt, especially the bends bit. I wanted to rush her before he woke up! Shouldn't there be a condom somewhere? I dread to think where Izzy is going to take you next!

Good luck!

Aw! Claire! Sadness!

I thought I'd throw myself into the game again now that I have a different excerpt up...

Kimby, you've got some really great details in yours-- especially when describing your MCs' appearances. And, I love that they're book people (being on myself, of course)-- I always find literary types so interesting to read about!

XannaDrew, you absolutely had me spellbound there! Seriously, some of her moments of mounting realisation had my heart in my mouth, even though I had a foreboding that real life was about to intrude.

Just one small typo:

"We walk in silence. The stone hall is quiet, and the air is absolutely still. I imagine our body’s moving to the rhythm of our footsteps."

Needs to be bodies - I only mention it because it was the only thing that jolted me out of the story.

Great stuff, I like it a lot!

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Sarah-flute, I want to know more about Ben! :3 He seems sweet, I'd like to read a lot more about his relationship with Izzy, is v. cute. I'm wondering, will it stay platonic or go from there?

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so for those of you falling in love
keep it kind, keep it good, keep it right
throw yourself in the midst of danger
but keep one eye open at night.
'elephants' - rachael yamagata

pretty hate machine, I spent the whole of that excerpt thinking that it was her boyfriend's body in the bag, particularly given the 'as if it might be a live thing that would perhaps regain consciousness' line. I can't decide whether I'm disappointed or if I even believe that it's clothes!

Random Acts - one of the few excerpts I've read that really made me laugh aloud *grin* - I like it. I instantly like Leigh's combination of sass and uncertainty - we've all been there! - and the fact that your MMC clearly has a sense of humour makes me warm to him straight away. I also really want to know what Boris has to do with anything LMAO!

edit: Pretty Hate Machine - very clever and witty - I like both these characters already!

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Sarah--I like the deep sea diving simile. Like if she wakes up too fast and sees where she is too soon she'll get the bends :)

Random--I love it! And now that I think about it, Boris is a really good name for a pigeon. I really want to read more. It's a great introduction to both of your MCs.

Boris is a poor man's turtle dove!

sarah-flute - if Izzy and Ben are not going to end up together at the end of your novel as you are currently plotting it, I demand you rewrite it so that they do. :-) Your excerpt really hooks you in to the story and both characters are immediately endearing.

amandaruth - you make me glad that I never threw the bouquet at my wedding! I like how you list all of the potentially bad characteristics of the brides who do that, and then throw in the twist that the narrator was one of them.

(As my excerpt is short and I've already posted in this thread, people do not need to comment on it unless they really want to! Otherwise feel free to skip on over to the next person.)

Awww cheers LOL and Ben and Izzy don't NOT end up together *unsure* don't know how else to explain it without spoiling the ending - just in case I ever get published! It is def. a happy ending though.

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As long as there's a happy ending, that's enough for me LOL

I have edited my synopsis with my own (sadly butchered) version of the song my novel is based on, if anyone has any feelback on whether it makes any sense at all, I'd be delighted to hear it.

Hey Random Acts,

I think the synopsis is really cute- good idea to use the song! A lot of it doesn't really make sense, because it's not in context, but it makes the reader (or, you know, me) want to read the book and find out how the MC is given all of these things. The four stumbling words, the sparkling things...it is an interesting list, and it makes me want to see how you put it all together. So, I would say that as a synopsis, it plays really well.

I have a new excerpt up, so I'm putting myself back in the game. It's sexy scene time, and I'm hoping the cut away before the big deed doesn't read too awkwardly.

@XannaDew

I'm sorry I missed your past excerpt, but this one was satisfying. I liked the synopsis, though in the excerpt I was not able to relate the synopsis to it. Emma's walk through the dormitory, I felt detracted from the rest of the excerpt. Just launching with her slipping into Dexter's room would have hightened the tension. I know you wanted to show why she chose that room over the others, but the tiein with Dexter/David answered why she decided on that room.

The encounter was well done, but as bad as it sounds, I wish a little more details were forthcoming. The escapade left me with a what just happened? type of feeling. It didn't need to be graphic just more urgent, if you understand what I'm saying. When they woke up, I can surmise their reactions were appropriate for their relationship, but without a background I couldn't tell. You did handle the after sex regret well, but you left the reader with enough underlying emotion to know their regret was only acting.

As to the part with Talis I have no point of reference to know if his reaction was written well or not. However I would turn the page, I think I would actually put this book in my library, if it makes it to print.

Once again Well done.

:-D

I was quite proud of myself as I managed to tie in the diving analogy from the beginning.

I like your mangled version of the song *grin* like I said before, I do also love the excerpt - just read it again and it made me giggle, again. I really want to read this couple's story.

The song definitely gives enough for the purposes of piquing interest, without actually revealing much, so it's an intriguing excerpt.

XannaDrew: I need to read this again when I'm more awake! Though the three excerpts of yours that I've read already have really made me want to read your book, it has me fascinated.

I do think the "cut away" is a little abrupt, but I think this is something (from my admittedly small experience of writing things like this!) that will come definitely good with later editing and time to mull it over... these kind of scenes are often hard to get right on the money first attempt, and ending them convincingly can be a nightmare!

I really liked them getting close with neither of them really acknowledging what they wanted, and him saying "Are you going to take advantage of me?" was somehow a nice touch (we usually imagine that conversation or maybe that thought from the other side) but didn't -completely- buy into their urgency after that... not sure why. Sorry - if I work it out I will come back to you on that, and I will reread it to see if it's just because it's late at night, too!

I hope this is helpful and not discouraging *eek* I think there is a lot there that during the editing process you will be able to hone into the exact scene you want it to be; I have a strong feeling you will get it just right and it will be brilliant. I suppose it depends on context but actually I personally rather liked her walking through the dormitory, and giving what, I suppose are the reasons she wants to think she chose Dexter's room...? Which are maybe not entirely the same as the real reasons, though there may be some overlap *grin* A character lying to herself is not that easy to pull off but I thought the way you handled that was great (Plus also a glance at the people she is sharing her rediscovered life with).

You definitely drew me in - as usual! And I'm curious about her relationship with Talis... and the relationship between the girl she thinks she is and who she really is.

And like I said, I already want to read your book - I have no doubt at all that it would find a place on my bookshelves. Mystery romance sci fi chicklit, it's a whole new genre :-D

thomasowenm - I think I need to reread your excerpt when I'm a bit more awake! I got a bit confused. I was a bit confused though as the tone of it seemed to vary a lot between romance and more, um... practical lust lol (her wearing a certain outfit while they were "doing it"). I'll try and read it again tomorrow sometime when my brain is more with it.

I'm going to rummage through and see if I can find another scene from mine that would be appropriate to post as a new excerpt...

edit: OK I couldn't decide and so ended up posting an excerpt as well as rather than instead of LOL!

I realised while I was de-typo-ing it (I hope I got 'em all!) that it may pose a few questions that I haven't answered. I think I may be at risk of maing people assume things that may be misleading, but hey...

XD, just saw your profile pic when I realised I still had that window open and *giggle* you may appreciate it ;) I had to laugh as I noticed the pic a few seconds after I posted the new extract! Too appropriate ;)

I know it's a horrible cliche to have shoes be a main subject, but there are reasons why Izzy is being spoiled, I promise!

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Thanks XannaDew. I fully appreciate what you're saying about context. My eventual aim is that each of the lines will be a chapter title as the chapter will encompass that thing, what I haven't decided is whether I also want to try to bring in a reference to the original song. That might be too much.

I just read the excerpts you have uploaded and I am really intrigued. What I liked was that even though the first excerpt is from chapter 12, I was able to surmise (or I think I was able to surmise) what has happened in the preceding chapters but no in a way that felt like you had stuck in a two-paragraph summary of previous events. It flowed naturally rather than was forced. I agree with others that the cutaway felt slightly too abrupt, it doesn't have to be graphic but it might have been interesting to develop it further by having her starting to mix up Dexter and David's actions as things get more intense. The final paragraph about her jumping into someone else's bed is also very intriguing, it really makes me want to read more and see how everything will play out.

sarah-flute, your new excerpt is great! I love the way you handled her getting the shoes, I bought my first ever pair of Louboutins this year and the emotions Izzy feels are very close to what mine were at that moment LOL. Ian seems like a very nice guy, from what I've seen so far you really have a knack for investing personality into characters and giving readers a sense of who they are, even when they only have a limited appearance in the excerpts.

In honour of 40,000 words, I have uploaded a new, longer excerpt in addition to the previous one. I haven't edited it at all so there may be typos and incredibly long run-on sentences!

Agree entirely with this - I feel like I have a good overview of the story even though all I've read are three short excerpts.

Hehe, excellent: I'm like Izzy in the sense of not having a thing for shows BUT... I can see the appeal in certain really beautiful pairs, and the shoes I described I would love *grin* I'm pleased the emotion rang true for you!

Thank you! I value the feedback and it's really encouraging.

Part of me is dying to post my ending scene, but I also don't want to publically spoil the ending lol. If anyone fancies reading it and giving me some feedback via PM let me know!

"bauble bloodbath" snigger snigger, that may be my favourite alliteration from this whole site :)

I couldn't tell you if there were typos - I was too busy reading to notice. Which is a good thing as I am a devil for grammar and spelling errors, so I was either really engrossed or there weren't any bad ones!

Even though you didn't describe it in any detail, the chemistry between the characters when Logan completed his second task (which I don't want to spoil for others...) made it... quite special! I shan't spoil the end of the scene but I do want to say, that was great!

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~ Auntie Doris Akela Morag Flootach Zovut Araneliën Guru FYAP~

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