I figured that, because this was the humourous board, we could use a bit of comic relief. Post the first funny line from your novel that you alight on in this thread.
'The vampires had taken to eating Asian minorities.'
>.>
----------
****
SCHABANG!
7,894 / 50,000
Nov 9, 2008 - 01 29
(In context this is not supposed to be a funny line.)
80,274 / 50,000
Nov 9, 2008 - 09 31
This line made me howl when I wrote it last night.
[qoute]There was the sound of a cat screaming. "Holy bloody Jesus!" Verdigris yowled, and shot back down the stairs, a horde of transsexual ferrets at his heels.[/quote]
I was drunk. There were weird things going on in my head.
----------My website: http://lorettameyr.livejournal.com
50,136 / 50,000
Nov 9, 2008 - 23 59
There was one country that remained unabsorbed into this great land, and that was France, because honestly, who really views the French as much of a threat anyway?
----------Biting my truant pen,
Beating myself for spite,
"Fool!" said my muse to me,
"Look in thy heart and write."
-Sir Philip Sydney
2,468 / 50,000
Nov 10, 2008 - 07 48
What happened to the corpse?
I don't know, he left when I wasn't paying attention?
In context, the line isn't nearly as funny, but I was reading things over and this was the first part I saw.
----------50,217 / 50,000
Nov 11, 2008 - 12 41
“You don’t drive. But you are a licensed pilot.”
“I also have won seventeen gold medals, build my own networks, prefer a fork to a spoon, yodel in five different dialects, and like long walks on the beach in a cat-free environment. What’s it to you?”
most of my lines aren't one-liners, this seems to be the funniest out of context yet...but I'll keep looking.
9,128 / 50,000
Nov 12, 2008 - 01 56
“Banaan.” She said full of confidence.
9,128 / 50,000
Nov 12, 2008 - 01 57
Ok, that somehow became a double post... sorry, by the by, Banaan obviously means banana in Dutch.
50,155 / 50,000
Nov 12, 2008 - 13 21
Hmm... difficult. This is definitely one of my favourites so far though:
"Apparently, some people just have the ability to make a crowd fall silent without having to throw cutlery. "
----------2006: "Sword brothers" (still not sure what that title refers to, but I WON and now I have 262 k)
2007: "Suddenly, ninjas arrived". A messy novel about the Romans in Wales, with a few mad celts and ninjas thrown in (WIN!!)
2008: "The Snuffing of Jeeves"
50,009 / 50,000
Nov 13, 2008 - 11 40
This isn't a one liner but it isn't very funny out of context but it was the first one i saw.
"Well, I was taking a bath," I told him.
"And that explains why you aren't wearing any clothes?" Deacon scowled again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Here's another one~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I'm still functioning like a human being. See?" I took a gulp of my juice," And look! Now I have to use the washroom. To go pee! Like a normal human being no less,"
----------Nano '08: Dangerous to Know- hopefully winner
146,639 / 50,000
Nov 13, 2008 - 21 56
don't know if it's funny or not, but i find this line to be entertaining:
"Alice knew better: Mer was there for the boys, and if she learned for to conjugate the very ‘to get laid,’ in as many tenses as possible, she would consider the trip to be a success."
--------------
Truth or fiction? Adventure saving small children in Rome, or tearful end of relationship in the suburbs? --alice (mc)
65,700 / 50,000
Nov 13, 2008 - 22 48
Not exactly one liner but I thought it was funny. My main character just found a plague on the wall full of scribbles with a button underneath. He didn't bother to read it since he couldn't and just pressed the button.
********
[Steve from Long Island] rubbed [his eyes] thoroughly and when he was done, the bronze letters were in full, legible English:
For those who seek the Power of the Black Flame must first seek the Ones Who Came Before. Once you have found them, you must accept their challenge. Should you pass The Challenge, you will be granted the Power of the Black Fire of Ignatius. If you should fail The Challenge, your soul will join the Ones Who Came Before for Eternity. Press the button to accept the Terms and Conditions of this Challenge.
Steve from Long Island turned to glare at Thorin. “You idiot! Would it have hurt you to read this first?”
“Whatever! Who reads those things anyway?” Thorin replied. “Those things are long and boring and you can never understand what they’re saying!”
___________________________________
----------*Co-ML for Tucson, AZ*
You see these? You see these words? These are REVLON words!
___________________________________
*Co-ML for Tucson, AZ*
You see these? You see these words? These are REVLON words!
52,802 / 50,000
Nov 14, 2008 - 07 59
This one made me laugh:
“You see,” Viktor explained, “to be immortal is to never die. But you did that once, didn’t you? That’s how you became an angel. No, you’re not immortal at all. You’re just undead.”
I don't know, it just amuses me, to throw angels into the same category as zombies and vampires. But they died once and then lived again! I laugh when I read that one, though. Every time.
----------2006: Unferth
2007: The Dark Side of the Universe
2008: Life and Death Situation
64,473 / 50,000
Nov 14, 2008 - 14 34
And you can hardly notice that Hank doesn’t have any eyebrows.
----------Amanda Panda
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2008: Mercury: Sci-Fi/YA: WON! 64,473
64,473 / 50,000
Nov 14, 2008 - 14 35
We tied on our green aprons, respectfully embroidered with ‘Homegrown’ across the crotch, and got to work.
----------Amanda Panda
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2008: Mercury: Sci-Fi/YA: WON! 64,473
21,937 / 50,000
Nov 14, 2008 - 16 03
Probably doesn't classify as a one liner, but it's close enough:
He slid into a seat at the bar. The bartender passed him a glass. It was filled with a thick, heavy liquid. It might have been beer. Nobody knew. It was the only thing they served, and nobody asked what it was, in case they found out.
51,806 / 50,000
Nov 14, 2008 - 19 35
"Is that necesary doctor?"
"As necesary as Archimedes' lack of decency!"
this is as hilarious out of context as it is in.
50,045 / 50,000
Nov 16, 2008 - 21 07
“You’ll have to hold on a second, Rabbi. My mother is on the other line.”
“Isn’t your mother dead?”
“Precisely why I don’t want to keep her waiting.”
101,966 / 50,000
Nov 17, 2008 - 09 58
Best line so far :)
Here's my shot:
Dee avoided commenting on how she was taller and trimmer than Katelyn by some margin, and how she could wear a cropped top without a mushroom cloud appearing over Hiroshima.
13,004 / 50,000
Nov 17, 2008 - 17 41
Two of my favourites so far.
Steve had always liked how dramatic cornflakes were.
He slowly pushed aside bags full of rubbish, spilling strange liquids on himself, the stench of which filled his nostrils with a smell that was as horrible as this similie is bad.
50,015 / 50,000
Nov 18, 2008 - 11 22
Is that a novel on your laptop or are you just plain too busy to talk to me today?
50,149 / 50,000
Nov 19, 2008 - 17 30
I can make you chicken pox. . . I mean, chicken noodle soup. .
----------"Simple, materialistic actions didn't cause the apocalypse. That just wasn't right."
130,143 / 50,000
Nov 21, 2008 - 08 29
I'm pretty glad that, in the first paragraph of mine, I chose this sentence:
Still, even for all of his courage, the good doctor had not yet taken it upon himself to tell Sid the bad news - that he had died about three months ago, and had only just been revived a few days prior to a higher mental state than that of your everyday, common zombie.
Also good times:
Still, the doctor walked around the room, checking for anything that may have made the demi-life so sick. Out of the corner of his eye, something shiny caught his attention.
After I wrote the one about shiny things, I just could not stop laughing XD
----------~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2007 - Awaken - Winner - 77921
2008 - No Hero - Winner - 80,126
2008 - Zombie Story - To be determined
Stand up for what you believe in, even if it means standing alone.
64,473 / 50,000
Nov 21, 2008 - 09 19
We tied on our green aprons, respectfully embroidered with ‘Homegrown’ across the crotch, and got to work.
I laughed for like thirty minutes after I wrote that, since it was accidentally funny.
----------Amanda Panda
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2008: Mercury: Sci-Fi/YA: WON! 64,473
50,713 / 50,000
Nov 21, 2008 - 11 24
"He sat, unsure just how to feel about being dumped by a surprise drag-queen he didn’t know he was seeing."
Okay, so I made the stand-up a drag queen to boost my word-count. Don't judge me... I needed the words... and I'm really mean to my characters.
----------a storytelling community for grown ups
50,281 / 50,000
Nov 21, 2008 - 13 42
She sighed and pretended to shoot herself in the head before leaving Isabel and Zerbino sitting at the kitchen table.
I just love imagining this part. =P There's also this, from a different scene, even though it's technically a three-liner:
“He has no eyebrows.”
----------“That’s because you shaved them off when he invited you to sleep over at his fourteenth birthday!”
“Yeah, eyebrows grow back.”
You can't see past the worst case scenario
You'd be happier instead if you'd stayed in bed
Pray one day I'd live to see you a break a smile
31,819 / 50,000
Nov 22, 2008 - 13 32
"'My doctor is a kind man who rarely finds cause to strike me.'"
"Without hesitating, he dropped the needle into the well. An oddly inappropriate memory from his honeymoon chose that moment to resurface. Blinking ferociously, he ordered his subconscious to stop making fun of his own genitalia."
64,059 / 50,000
Nov 23, 2008 - 12 57
"You had me at internecine strife."
50,569 / 50,000
Nov 23, 2008 - 16 52
I think my favs are "internecine strife" and not keeping the dead mother waiting. Though, I like Nym's opening line a lot. They're all good, really.
My one-liner is a response, so I've cheated a little and included the preceding and following lines. I'll cheat some more by giving the context: Two sixty-something women trying to enjoy their post-shopping afternoon wine have just decided to leave because the table next to them features a loud-mouth young woman, who is nearly shouting her stories about hers and others' sexploits. So we open with loudmouth speaking.
“I just couldn’t do it. I mean how did she do that? I mean get that big dick all the way down her throat?”
Millie saw the look on my face and saw me leaning towards Lilly Loudmouth. She turned her back and moved toward the door as fast as she could move.
“You hold your breath and swallow, you silly twit!”
I wish I could say I whispered, or even that I spoke just loud enough for Lilly and her friends to hear. But the awful truth is, between effects of the wine and my irritation, my voice carried nicely from one corner of the room to the next.
----------mokkers, word nut
53,129 / 50,000
Nov 24, 2008 - 18 19
In the middle of a battle, one of the scientists in my story offers a younger scientist the following item of sage advice:
"Never bring a pan to a sword fight. It never helps".
----------Percussus resurgio
NaNoWriMo History: 2008 - Keldostri Acaleros (Won - 53129 words)
50,083 / 50,000
Nov 24, 2008 - 20 14
"Naturally, [Abby, a (self-proclaimed) princess] lived with her family, since no sensible princess would dare venture away from the castle and therefore be forced to survive in the cruel and rather more frightening world of peasants. However, the simplest of differences between princesses and peasants is that princesses are never sensible.
That being said, she ended up straying away from the castle."
Another sort-of-not-really-one-liner happens when a wizard is trying to explain computers to the three kids from 1396. He gets no help from the geek named Jerry, who has a habit of using terms that they would clearly be unfamiliar with, such as RAM.
“But what do sheep have to do with it?”
----------I wrote 1131 words in 30 minutes with Dr. Wicked's "Write or Die."
You can, too.