An "Evaluate the person's excerpt above you" thread!

Hi Cattie,

I loved your excerpt. Definitely made me want to keep reading. I also like that it was supernatural (or whatever you want to call it) but not the kind of characters you usually see.

Seems like a great start!

Might I pester someone to read mine? It's two stories, and I'm really, really sorry if the excerpts are too long.

Also, Stella; I love yours, the amount of detail gave me chills. Definitely want to read more.

Naoko_Youko,

Your excerpts weren't too long at all. :*) I've got to say, though, that I'm a bit confused. In your synopsis, you mentioned that there would be three stories in one, but I am only seeing two - but maybe that is just because you haven't started on the third yet? Also, this setup of having the stories cycle through chapter by chapter is going to be inherently confusing and might make it hard to read later - just a friendly warning. One idea would maybe be to have the three separate stories be interconnected - just to tie everything together with some sort of central theme or something, to make it less random. But that's just my opinion; it's your novel. :*)

That said, I found it to be an interesting read. The whole tone of the thing reminded me a little of a National Treasure or Da Vinci Code type of adventure story, which is good. It seemed like it might be pretty action-packed once it gets going! I'm also liking the little bit of mystery hinted at in your excerpt. That's always good to hook a reader and make them want to know what happens next.

Also, you seem to start a lot of your characters' sentences with ellipses ("..."), and I'm wondering why that is. My inner spelling and punctuation nazi is telling me they're unnecessary, but then again, all that talk is for December, anyway. :*)

It seems like you've got a good start, so keep going and happy writing!

c

cattieloves,

I hate to say it, but so far it sounds like a carbon copy of Twilight: awkward and unpopular girl sees a strange, beautiful man, becomes interested in him, finds out he's some kind of insanely dangerous mythological creature and they fall in love. I could be wrong - in fact, I would love to be wrong - but the way it sounds right now, I would probably pass it over without a second glance in a bookstore.

Keep writing, though! I'd like to see where you take the story.

Sigh. There are thousands of other human/supernatural creature love stories out there, but right now everyone has Twilight on the brain, haha. It's okay, I'm sure if I were writing the same story 200 years ago, it would probably get compared to some other popular love story of the day - the basic story (boy meets girl, they fall in love) has been around forever. But, meh. I'm writing it for myself, not for you. :P

Note to whoever posts after me, it's JMorgan's turn to be reviewed; I'm just replying to him.

Never mind.

Just like everything else, I get skipped over. :(

Hi Jmorgan - Your MC is so sweet. She's easy to empathise with and I finished the excerpt wanting to know what happens next. I didn't find the stream of conciousness style confusing at all. It's well written and by the end of it the main character is really a real person instead of just words on a screen. Good luck!!!

To whoever does mine - I'm sorry. I really am. It needs a hell of a lot of work and is mainly a total mash up of several films and books which I read/saw in the couple of months preceeding NaNo.

My website: http://lorettameyr.livejournal.com

ghostrose- I found your excerpt interesting and it was obvious a lot was going on, but I honestly I couldn't figure out what those "a lot of things" were. I am sure it makes much more sense in context though.

Congrats on the win BTW!

(Whoever does mine- Yup, I know it needs a ton of work but eh, evaluate away as you please)

I liked your exerpt, especially the dialouge, which I found realistic and interesting. The characters are very realistic and engaging too. The only thing I would suggest is indenting the dialouge so that it's easier to read, which is really a formatting issue. =) Otherwise, good work!

Stand back! Im a marine biologist!

Your excerpt was well written, especially the description, although I felt, personally, like the bit about the photo and its accompanying descriptions was out of place and distracted the reader. Also, while the description was very well written, I felt like there was too much at once; long blocks of detailed description of setting and action may make some people skim. If this is the opening scene of the book, you might want to start with a bit more action to draw the reader in.
Separately, Nick and Devon's dialogue was good; together, though, I somehow felt like they weren't having the same conversation. Like, if I had only read Devon's dialogue, I would have thought it was a big screaming argument; but if I had only read Nick's dialogue, I would have thought it was a tense, overly-polite conversation. They don't seem to pick up on and respond to the other's mood. Also, Devon seemed a little crazy in a bad, dangerous way; is he supposed to be like that?
Sorry if this evaluation was a little harsh. Overall, I thought it was very well-written, and the main flaw was with the flow. Well done.

Johnny was a chemist's son
But Johnny is no more
What Johnny thought was H2O
Was H2SO4

The excerpt of your story was beautifully written! I especially loved the descriptions of Morgan's eyes and voice, they really made the character come alive. There were maybe one or two run-on sentences, but aside from that it was very well written and intrigued me enough that I want to continue reading. Your descriptions are wonderful. They don't drag forever (something that drives me nuts), they're the perfect length and your wording is beautiful. You'll have to let me know if you plan on publishing it, as I'd love to find out what happens next!

I liked your exerpt a lot. You did a good job of setting the scene and keeping it at a very convincing "Kid's eye view" with details. Lots of these rang quite true for me and reminded me of childhood moments, like being scolded for breathing on store windows. The dialouge is convincing as well and shows enough about the characters to be interesting. The one thing I'd say is that it would be great to see "inside" the MC a bit more; I'm curious about his thoughts, etc.

PS. DAPAR, I didn't think your critique was harsh at all =D In fact, you were right on the money. I have been having a real struggle getting the opening to flow smoothly. Also, the Devon character is becoming quite unraveled; it's pivitol to the plot that he is as crazy as he is, so you were quite correct.

Stand back! Im a marine biologist!

Alright, the excerpt i have is for something i plan on writing, and this is the first thing i wrote. it's short and unedited, so i fear the worst, but i really just need to know if it sounds logical enough as two fourth graders.

fidheallir- i did read yours, and DAPAR's reply. I agree with most points mentioned, especially about the dialogue. Plus, it seemed to me that they jumped back into friend mode too fast. After twelve years it seems there should be some sort of disconect, or at least some more hesitancy to agree to hang out with someone so suddenly.

that's really it though, i was perfectly fine with it otherwise. it was written nicely and i wanted to continue reading.
well done.

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster.
-Isaac Asimov

k e l s e y: You had a great excerpt! It does sound logical for two fourth graders. I hope you keep writing this story, I think it has a lot of promise! Good luck! :]

Okay so in my excerpt, there are quite a few mistakes and mostly I just want to make sure it makes sense...and if its written in good form for a first meeting. It's a little long, so don't say I didn't warn ya! ;]

~NaNo 08~ In A New York Minute ~50,069~ WINNER!!!

NaNoWriMo 2008 ~In A New York Minute~ Won With 50,069 Words!

I like your FMC. She is snarky, but still self-confident, and realistic. Also THANK YOU for not falling into the "teen angst" trap!! The crumby boss is also very realistic (did you meet my former bad boss and take notes?) I'd like to see more development on the MMC though (perhaps this is coming?).
Overall, you take a potentially clichè premise and give it interest. Good job.

Stand back! Im a marine biologist!