Evaluate the Above Poster's Opening Line(s)

I am...intensely curious as to "what" it is always an attic. (Ignore the ridiculous grammar of that sentence, please). But I want to read more. I want to know why we are talking about attics.

Below are the first lines for all four of those in my series thus far...pick any or all to critique.

Ineko watched from the deep shadows high on the tower, watched as the country that he was so painstakingly try to keep in one piece fall apart, bit by bit

He wished he hadn’t had to grow up so fast

All he could see, all around him were the flames and all he could hear were the screams

It could be said that he ruled over a nation of soldiers.

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2005: won!
2006: won!
2007: won!
2008: Lost Years quintet
http://kateness.wordpress.com

First line, apart from a grammar (he was so painstakingly "trying") sets the stage pretty effectively. I always get intrigued by war stories. The second line is cliche, especially if your "grown up too fast" protag is under 30 and some kind of mystic destined hero. it just gives of generic fanatsy vibes, but since it's true I don't know how you can fix it, except to hope the reader remain intrigued. 3rd line devolves into even more cliched setting. Since you've only just set the stage, it's hard to care about a place that's already being destroyed. Last line makes it interesting again, kind of creepy suggestion of warlords and mercenaries, which keeps with the tone of the first line. Good opening over all.

here I go--
It’s morning. I can feel it, I can feel the grey light spilling over my eyes and I know that Magnus is gone, off somewhere to be something, some great man of great importance. I opened my eyes. The room is gloomy and grey, just like this town, Alua. This place as far from my home as I thought I would get.

"I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night."
Sarah Williams

"All that's left are our own imaginings"
Kezia Spears

I like it a little- I would keep reading, but it doesn't really catch me the way even cliched first lines do.

My first line is one of these three. All for the same book.

Alex Lotheron had been waiting for half of a sunmark. She was furious.

"Feng! Feng! Godsdamnit, let me in! I've just-" Skye ran out of breath, gasping raggedly as he pounded on Feng's door, hearing the footsteps and yells grow closer.

Dmitri hadn't cried since he and Taelynn had been married- eighteen years ago.

Ellisands rarely do have to make final stands, but, when they do, it is for something that will be remembered.

the protag in the second line is a prince, and he's 17...his country has been invaded and conquered, his father is missing and probably dead (he isn't, but the protag doesn't know it), he knows that there is an order for his execution on his head, and he has to somehow try to save the country.

As for the third...one thing that has to be kept in mind is that these are all books in a series, and so the stage IS already set by the start of the third book...the reader (should there ever be one), has already invested 400k words into it.

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2005: won!
2006: won!
2007: won!
2008: Lost Years quintet
http://kateness.wordpress.com

Option 2 has the most action, but option 3 actually intrigues me the most. As for whichever one is better, it would depend on what followed it. "Godsdamnit" did make me blink and reread that "word" carefully, though; it gave me a bit of trouble the first read-through.

Also, an em-dash is "--" or "—", not "-", which is a hyphen. In both places that you've used the "-", it should be the "--" or "—".

As for mine…

I like it. :D It's simple and the dialogue draws you in - it could be better, but you introduce two characters and I want to know what's happening.

Here's mine:
Arizona could remember it clearly, the soft whisk of the curtains being drawn away from the stage and the smells of floor wax and dust heavy in the air.

For ____, it certainly was no Golden Age.
My charrie's name is a bit unique, so I left it blank.
http://img512.imageshack.us/img512/2681/mybanner48fbc22ca92faps6.jpg

http://img512.imageshack.us/img512/2681/mybanner48fbc22ca92faps6.jpg

Ooh. For one line, I like it. I want to know why it isn't a Golden Age for this person. It implies thing suck for this person right now, and that peaks my interest.

Here's mine:

"The fair haired, grey eyed boy glanced around, eyeing the mass of people crushing him on all sides."

(By the way, this is the only description of my MC offered throughout the whole story so far. Why? I suck, that's all.)

Write a 50,000 word novel in one month?
Sure, I can do that!
...
Wait, what do you mean, "plot"?

I think this is intriguing. Right off, you know how to imagine this boy. And you also have an idea of the setting. However, you could put a bit more discription into it. For instance,
"The fair haired, grey eyed boy glanced around, warily eyeing the mass..."
or
"The fair haired, grey eyed boy glanced around, tirdly eyeing the mass..."

Adding an adverb of his feelings will allow the reader to see right off how he feels about his situation.

As for mine....

The large pine trees were thick around me, both helping and hindering my objective. They hid the enemies, making them impossible to track, invisible among the foliage. I could not rely on my sharpened eyesight to spot them, only my acute sense of hearing, and of course, my gut feeling.

Either that, or I'll use:

“You lied to me, you disobeyed me, and you took advantage of other people. What do you have to say for yourself, young lady?”
I shuffled uncomfortably and stared at my sneaker-clad feet, refusing to look my furious mother in the eyes.

Yeah, polar-opposite feels, but they're both in the perspective of the same person. :)

I think I like the first one best. It sets up some tension, makes me wonder who the enemies are and how the character is going to deal with the situation. I think you could take out the 'large' description, it's implied from the rest of it that the trees are large. Otherwise it looks good.

What really has me wondering is how these are beginnings for the same story. 'Polar-opposite feels' describes it pretty well :P

My first line:

Anatoly woke that morning in no condition to kill a man.

Oh, I like that one. It makes me wonder if he will kill a man, and why - and why would he have to kill a man, and did he usually wake up in the condition to kill a man. Great questions posed, and I would definitely keep on reading.

My first line(s):

I’m standing on the top of a mountain, and I’m about to fly. Or fall.

I like yours! It starts out very nicely, bringing the reader in- conversational, almost, it interests you in the character. It's optimistic, and suggests foolproof magic and Peter Pan-type flying, but then you have that two-word caveat which completely changes the sense: suddenly the character is unsure, there's an element of danger. You're bringing us in at a moment of action, and I feel I need to go and read your excerpt NOW.

My first line(s):

The door of the study crashed open, letting in a chilling draft and a fashionably-dressed middle-aged man. The clerk at the large desk winced, but as if it was a habit, and poked the fire purposefully before returning to his writing.

2008: Live By The Sword

Interesting concept, Rain. You introduced a character without saying his name, but still describing him nicely.
The second sentence, though, confused me at first. Specifically the 'but as if it was a habit' part. I might redo that line to say something more like, 'The clerk at the large desk winced, more out of habit than fear, and poked the fire...' Does that make sense?

Ok, mine.

No one believed me when I told them that I'd found a faerie.

****************
So what? I'm not your average girl. ~Barlowgirl

****************
So what? I'm not your average girl. ~Barlowgirl

Mm, to be honest, it doesn't grab me as much because it's to be expected that no one's going to believe someone when they say they caught a faerie. I don't know if your opening paragraph expands on this, but I would try either emphasising that expectation ("I knew no one would believe me when I told them I caught a faerie, I don't even know why I tried.") or adding more detail relevant to the faerie ("No one believed me when I told them I caught a faerie; less so when I told them it was purple, breathed fire, and had been dragged in by the cat.")

Here's two of the three, pick whichever.

Nanos attempted and won: 4
JanNos attempted and won: 3
Collective word count: 547k
Ending or bust!

Me likee the first one *grin*

Though I assume that it only makes the kind of amusing sense that you want it to (I think) is if you know about the Song of Roland. As I do, I'm suitably amused. I do hope that was the tone you were going for XD

----
2005: won!
2006: won!
2007: won!
2008: Lost Years quintet
http://kateness.wordpress.com

I like the first and yes, I know the story of Roland and I would like to assume that most do. Though I'd suggest putting in another clearer reference later in the work, so those that don't know it and skip by it with "huh?" will end up with "oh, okay, now that makes sense."

The second is pretty much a cliche, even given the scene's ending. Even especially because of the scene's ending.

I'm very prone to cliches in my own writing, so I'm not knocking it, just saying how it sounds to me.

My opening lines:

"It was one of the best things he’d done. Birken wasn’t a stolid, unemotional fellow to begin with, but now he was clearly grinning as he polished the carved surface, fully aware of his achievement. "

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2007 winner - "Clare Obscure"
2008 winner - "Oak and Birch"

Hmm, I kind of like it. It doesn't draw the eye all that much, but I do want to know what he accomplished and what he's polishing. My only suggestion would be to possibly get rid of the negative in "wasn't a stolid, unemotional fellow" and change it to what he IS like. Just a very humble suggestion though.

Here's mine;

I fails at the original first line. *bows head in shame*

-Sierra :)

2007: Runaways- Young Adult (42,076)
2008: The Other Side [working title]- Fantasy

.... I have to say I agree with your assessment. I'd keep reading, but ... not a huge intriguing thing going on.

Here's my little group:

--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--

2008: Guardians of Belief *--*--* WON *--*--*

I like it. It's kind of floaty. But I sort of lost interest around the third sentence. Not lost enough to stop reading, just kind of wary.

Huh... my original first sentence was "Winnigon was bored," but I hated that and changed it to this:

Should I change it back, or keep it as is?

I rather like the second option better, because it automatically gives the story a character unto itself (no pun intended). It gives me a sense of "why is this relevant?" but not in the sense that it seems unrelated - more like, "I have to keep reading to find out where this is going!" Good job! Also, referencing a real-life author gives a strong sense of setting: it establishes a time period (namely during or after E. Nesbit's lifetime) and reveals that the story takes place in the real world as opposed to a wholly made up one.

Anyway, my opening paragraph:

It had snowed for the whole day, blanketing the ground. Now, with the darkness setting in and the moon peaking through the clouds, Elizabeth could only see by the pale, ghostly illumination of the earth. She breathed hard, the cold air burning her nose, throat, and lungs, but she would not stop running. If she stopped, it would mean almost certain death.

Vi Veri Ueniversum Vivus Vici :: Ad Pleniorem Scientiam :: Auctoritas, Non Veritas, Facit Legem

Nicely done!~
I like it :O It seems a fast paced and tense beginning IMO though in a good sense. Although, where you say "....it would mean almost certain death." I'm sorry but "almost certain death" made me go O_o. Unless the reason is explained later on and the opening just doesn't lend it support to that phrase, then i guess i can go with it. If anything, the opening made me want to read further to know WHY shes running (assuming its a girl,,,JK!,, i just read a thread though were the MC was a guy named Alice O.O) and who's after her.
Ummm...i dont really have an opening atm D: so please excuse me.... -hangs head in shame-

My first paragraph, maybe-

"You have one month, Dmitri Ellisand," Zyianna said, enunciating every word clearly. "One month in which you are to find and begin to train your successor."
Dmitri nodded, his face as smooth and expressionless as ever. "And my last mission, my Queen?" His ice blue eyes sparkled with the barest hint of anger behind his thick glasses.
Queen Zyianna Celindali smiled. "That, as always, is the spymaster's decision. You may undertake the mission at any time."
Dmitri bowed stiffly. "Thank you." What was he thanking her for? She was forcing him to retire.

Ellisands rarely do have to make final stands, but, when they do, it is for something that will be remembered.

Well, the first paragraph is four. Beginning with a conversation, all right. That's a fine way of plunging the Reader into the middle of it. I'd keep reading, especially since I wonder what this last mission is that they're talking about. (But then I already know about these characters, so I have a head start. :P)

Here's my opening paragraph:

Kenneth Vinson sat drumming his fingers against the arm of the chair, waiting for Nerissa to arrive. They had quite an evening planned. First, they would watch a performance of some of the most talented sorcerers in Malaya City. They would enjoy some light refreshments, followed by an assault on the Keightite embassy.

"Be nice to the imaginary people. Don't kill too many." -- e-mail from my youngest sister, June 23, 2008

I like the twist- how 'attacking the embassy' seems like another part of his nice evening with Nerissa. And the sorcers part clues you into the whole 'fantasy' aspect. Very funny, Larel!

Here's mine, paraphrased:

He saw the girl walking down the street, books hugged tight to her chest. When she tripped, they spilled from her arms.
"Want some help?" He picked up a book.
"Sure. My name's Lexa, what's yours?"
"Mark. You want me to help carry these?"
"Yeah, I live right around the corner."
Lexa was cute, he thought, with her brown eyes. The way she tucked her short dark hair into a headband... no, not cute, beautiful.
Of course he would eat her. Maybe kill her first, if the opportunity presented itself. But he'd definetly eat her.

When did my lighthearted standalone urban fantasy turn into a family saga?

Mine is: "Death was happy, it was a rare thing" I know it's short, but I like it.

Day may come when the Courage of Authors fail, when we Forsake our Characters and break all bonds of Storyline, but it is not this day. An Hour of Weeping, and Shattered pens, when the Age of Writing comes Crashing Down! But it is not this day! This day w

You're supposed to evaluate mine, too...

When did my lighthearted standalone urban fantasy turn into a family saga?

I liked the paragraph, not shure about the first line though.

Day may come when the Courage of Authors fail, when we Forsake our Characters and break all bonds of Storyline, but it is not this day. An Hour of Weeping, and Shattered pens, when the Age of Writing comes Crashing Down! But it is not this day! This day w

Okay, thanks. As for yours, is Death a person, place, or thing? I was slightly confused.

When did my lighthearted standalone urban fantasy turn into a family saga?

From the Prologue:

From the main chapters:

I like both of them. They seem interesting without being cliche. The prologue interests me more, though, because it starts off slightly more action-y.

"You have one month, Dmitri Ellisand," Zyianna said, enunciating every word clearly. "One month in which you are to find and begin to train your successor."

Ellisands rarely do have to make final stands, but, when they do, it is for something that will be remembered.