Alright, long story short, MMC is a demon lord who was summoned by FMC incidentally. MMC has the ability to hypnotize humans, and uses it on various women in the book. The first time he sees FMC, he tries hypnotizing her, to no avail. Etc, etc, she gets the power to command him, they hate each other most of the novel, she commands he kiss her to piss him off, she realizes she likes him, and they fight some more. Soon, she gives up the power to control him, he seems very angry about everything she does to that point, and then reveals that he, too, likes her. Here is the scene:
Though bitterness rose up on my tongue, Keiran seemed unchanged. “Yes,” He said. “I thought it had been amusing, watching you tire yourself out over the command. At first, I thought your guilt had been quite entertaining. At first.”
Suddenly, Keiran seemed far closer than he had been. He was facing me now, eyes locked with mine. He towered over me, and I felt my chin lifting to meet with his eyes. Blood pulsed at a rapid rate through my veins, but I could see the anger returning to Keiran’s voice.
“Did you realize what the effect of something as simple as a kiss would have on me? Did you know, that for even one single fraction of a dream, you were all I could imagine?”
I froze. That was the last thing I would have imagined Keiran saying. “That fraction remained with me, every moment of every hour since.”
I felt the shock recoil in my body. “Adler said that Underside fey only had nightmares.”
Keiran laughed, though this laugh was as distant as the focus of his eyes. “I haven’t slept in years, because of that fact. Only images of a rotting Earth, of dying faces, and of my victorious father would greet me when I considered sleep. We go ages without it, our kind. But the first time I even considered attempting to dream, was in that motel room, just last night.”
I flashed back to my dream that night. The very image of Keiran, perched like a gargoyle over my bed returned to me. Perhaps it hadn’t been a dream at all.
“Now,” He continued, as he dared to clench his fingers around my elbows, “Every time I close my eyes, I want to return to that vision. Even now, all I can bear to see is you. Here, before me, I sense warmth I have yet to ever sustain. All I can think to myself is that, in 200 years of darkness, there has never been light quite like this, and I know that if I am to go another breath without seeing it, that I shall not breathe again. And I think to myself, why, why is the only person I want to see also the only person who can say no to me?”
Would It be too sudden if I had them kiss again? I mean, this is the first scene where MMC isn't either trying to kill her or screaming at her. I admit, lately his character has settled into standing her, though he has thought about her every moment for the past 10k. In the previous scene, she reveals that she is driven by the idea of his smile, and throughout the novel she mentions she likes him. She just couldn't imagine he would share those feelings. help and critique is appreciated!
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56,683 / 50,000
Nov 26, 2008 - 22 53
Have them kiss! It would not be too sudden. You have a great scene now just seal it with a kiss. But make sure to build up to it!
0 / 50,000
Nov 29, 2008 - 20 04
I agree - have them kiss. You have the perfect lead in. You could have her answer a question with a question, such as: "What if I didn't say no this time? What if I said I wanted you to kiss me?" Instant heat - your characters will take it from there. Good Luck.